the plan starts december 4th

adriana lima labias and genitals. omg. so every year ... i make a night out of the victoria's secret fashion show. i think the vs angels are the epitome of girly and i'll admit right now ... i want to be like them. and not all of them. just adriana lima. because she's so silly and gorgeous. i absolutely FUCKING ADORE pink and cannot wait until i can wear something. anything. even the socks. haha. no but seriously. this winter i might be able to consider myself one of the cuties in all the girly clothes. i cannot wait to break out !



let's all mark our calendars and not eat for two weeks so we don't feel too disgusting while watching these felines strut their sex. and if u have all the confidence in the world and think you're just as sexy, go ahead and inhale brownies. whatever works for you. the victoria's secret fashion show will air december 4th 10/9 central on CBS.

I Don't Believe In Sexual Harassment.

I'm sick of women. Let's rephrase. I'm sick of weak minded I don't know how to say fuck you women. WHY DOES THE NBA CONTINUE TO HIRE WOMEN !?! "That's sexist." It sure as fuck is and I will stand by my point. HELLO.

This is what's wrong with America. Nobody learns the first time. Ex. Michael Jackson. Why were there numerous molestation trials? TRIAL ONE should've ended the sleepovers, Michael and PARENTS of the seventh kid to take the stand. WTF. Learn the first time. "Oh hey. This man rapes. I don't care how fun the bumper boats are, sammy's not going over there anymore." Duh.

Anucha Browne Sanders was awarded 11.6 million dollars this week for maintaining a hostile work environment and improperly firing her for complaining about the harassment. [chicagotribune.com]

11.6 million? Really. That's the amount they felt she deserved. Not an apology? Not a new wardrobe? Not therapy for being oh so sad because all the big scary men wanted to touch her? But 11.6 million dollars. Uhm. I'm about ready to move into The Staples Center. I mean shit. All I have to do is stand around and wait for a man to approach me [a female] and tell me I look snazzy and BOOM money money money !? I'd rather lie than work too.

I don't know if you know this or not ... but usually, when a man invites you back to his place, it's not to buy you an engagement ring. It's not to get to know you because YOU are amazing enough to score him. NO BITCH ! I just played a motherfucking sport with loud music and whistles. I'm Horny and You have a Vagina. I get it. Why don't you get it?

Aren't we all here trying to impress someone else so that they'll have sex with us? And I'm not trying to be funny. That's a real question. Are you not working right now or doing whatever it is you do everyday to better yourself ... so someone else will notice you. And hopefully that someone else will want to divulge in the magic in your pants. Seriously.

I'm sick of bitches and that's exactly what Anucha is. A BITCH. She wanted to get mad about that too. "They called me a Bitch." Is she serious? Honey. If sex and being called a bitch isn't your thing ... WHY are you working with a bunch of motherfucking men? THE NBA. Really. I wish one of them woulda knocked her fuckin teeth out and said, Pick up ur teeth stupid bitch, hi fived a teammate and went and did suicides.

I'm wearing a very tight shirt right now with that new amazing bra from like Victoria's Secret and like I look so hot OMG. But Ewuhhhh! Steven came and told me I had nice tits. Fuckin bastard. I should report him. BECOME NUNS BITCHES. I'm not down with that "I should be allowed to walk naked and not be approached" bullshit. IF YOU'RE NAKED SOMEONE IS GOING TO STARE AT YOU ! But there is a difference between Sexual Harassment and Rape.

If a man is raping you ... my bad ... don't listen to me ... claw scream and dial But if he's sexually harassing you ... PLAY THE GOD DAMN GAME ! Don't run and tattle to America. ANOTHER athelete is being tried for sexual harassment. Fuck that u money grubbing cunts. You wanna surround yourself with Men? You wanna be the big man and prove that women can do everything men can do? THEN TAKE UR SHORT SKIRTED ASSES TO WORK WITH A DICTIONARY AND A PORN. Refresh your memory with some naughty naughty and FIRE RIGHT BACK AT HIM. It's become apparent that men recoil like BITCHES when you approach them straight up.

If he says, Damn Baby. Nice Rack. u come back with How do u think I got this job. AND YOU WALK AWAY !!! Or if u wanna go level B ... They were expensive as shit so u better say that. AND THEN YOU WALK AWAY. Ooo or maybe u wanna be on my level which consists of ... I prefer when Perverts fuck and not talk. But if you feel uncomfortable or whatever u could take the nasty approach. Damn Baby. Nice Rack. and this is when you say ... u wanna help me check for more cancer lumps? [make sure more is in there] or omg are u talking to me? im bleeding extra heavy today and totally feel unattractive. Thank you. WORK IT !! WORK IT !!! But stop fucking BITCHING and CRYING and WAAA I'm too hot and get approached for sex all the time Waaaaaaa. No.

I'm pulling an Adrienne Curry and saying I want to BOYCOTT this sexual harassment bullshit. Work with little old grandma's u prude fucks or get your brain right AND FIRE BACK.

Your assistant makes me wanna touch myself in a bad place.

I feel as if I've just had drunken sex with Californication and it fucked me sober. I had to raise up. Watch the show indian style.

It starts off with an approaching Hank driving a porsche, cigarette in hand. He exits the vehicle taking one last drag before ditching the bud. He walks down the long aisle to get to the front of the church where he approaches Jesus. He begins to have a discussion when a nun comes out of a room asking to be of service.

Hank: I'm having some trouble. I'm a writer ya see but I'm not ... writing.

They discuss suggestions on how to get him over his writers block.

Nun: How about a blow job?
Hank: Excuse me?
Nun: What about a blow job?
Hank: ... uhhh ... from you?
Nun: It's not going to suck itself Hank.
Hank: HA.HA.HA. No.No it's not but by a Nun?

She removes her ... hood?

Hank: But a very fucking hot nun.

She reveals her hair to the world like she's in an Aussie commercial, unzips his pants and takes the escalator down. Cut scene, it's a dream and the nun turns out to be the woman sucking his cock to wake him up. All of a sudden you hear a car approach, keys jingle and a door slam.

Hank: .... uhhh
Nun/One Night Stand: That's my husband.
Hank: and that's my cue to go.

He jumps out of the bed showing off his ass cheeks, finds his underwear and escapes out of the back onto the beach. He makes it to his car when husband approaches with a baseball bat.

Husband: Oh come on. Aren't you like 60?
Hank: Haha. Hey K Fed. The little man in the boat [makes a V with his fingers] He's right here [points to imaginary clit and licks it.] HOT DAVID DUCHOVNY.

Hank shows K Fed where the clit is because the Nun was complaining about how her husband spends 45 minutes under the hood not starting anything. Hah. He then speeds off into the Malibu sunrise to greet his daughter and ex woman in the street with no pants on. It's papa's day to hang out with the little one so he takes her home where she requests to watch Pirates of the Caribbean because Johnny Depp is so hot. Hah. She then returns to the living room where she informs her father of a naked woman in his bed.

Hank: What are you doing here?
Nude Woman: I'm so sorry. I wanted to surprise you.
Hank: Yeeah. I uhm ... I think we shouldn't see each other for awhile.
Nude Woman: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
Hank: Or not. either way. I'm easy.

I LOVE THIS FUCKING SHOW.

Cut to Hank walking the streets. He stumbles across his book in the window and goes inside. He starts to read when he notices a girl in the corner giggling while reading his book. He nonchantly approaches her and gives her a taste of his wit. She fires back. They giggle and flirt for a minute, cut to the bedroom, breasts flying everywhere. She's riding him blind when she all of a sudden makes a fist and punches him in the face. She orgasms. She rides harder, faster, fist, punch, orgasm, grabs her shit and leaves. What.

Cut to Hank and his ex woman in the principals office at their daughters school. He's drunk and reeks of vagina as he listens to the principal bring up his daughters sexuality.

Hank: What. We're talking about her sexuality? All right honey. Our daughters a lesbian. Up high.
Principal: Sir. She's not a lesbian
Hank: Then why the fuck are we talking about her sexuality?
Principal: We caught her making out with a boy and he was feeling her up.
Hank: Feeling her up? She's 12. There's nothing to feel. Nothing there.
Principal: She said, if I don't do this ... How will I get boys to like me?

Cut to Hank in his business meeting getting chewed the fuck out. He apparently owes his publisher a book but cannot write. So instead of being depressed, he locks eyes with a daisy in the corner. Cut scene to the bedroom, breasts flying everywhere. She bucks up and he flinches.

Woman: What's wrong?
Hank: Ah hahaha. I'm sorry. Just thought you were going to hit me.

The woman jumps up and positions herself doggy style.

Woman: Defile Me.
Hank: Right on.

But before he can beat her down he gets a phone call.

Hank: Shit. I'll be right there.
Woman: What. Where are you going?
Hank: I gotta go.
Woman: You're a fucking asshole.
Hank: Haha yeah but you got defiled.

Cut to Hank picking up his ex woman and driving to a party. Cut to scenes of teenagers naked drunk and high. Ravishing. They spot their daughter as she's about to take a rip. Hank grabs the guy holding the bong and her mom trys pulling her away. While the daughter resists, Hank shoves the guy back and picks his daughter up over his shoulder and carries her out. BECAUSE THAT'S NOT GOING TO STAY WITH HER UNTIL SHE'S OUT OF FUCKING COLLEGE. THANKS DAD. WTF.

Cut to Hank dropping them off at their house.

Daughter: I hate you.
Hank: Deserve that.
Ex Woman: Wanna come in?
Hank: Ohh. What about the man of the house?
Ex Woman: He's out of town.
Hank: Sure.

They get comfy in the living room while Hank confesses his love for his ex woman.

Ex Woman: You smell like pussy.
Hank: Why thank you.

Cut to the approaching car and the familiar slam of the door. The camera is focused on Hank so we don't really know why he's FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, jumping up and recoiling in horror. The camera pans and the giggling girl he picked up from the bookstore was standing in front of him.

Ex Woman: What's wrong?
Hank: Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Ex Woman: Do you ... do you know each other?
Hank: No.
Girl: You kind of look familiar.
Hank: No.No. No I don't.
Girl: Yes you do
Hank: No
Girl: You're that author. I've been ... reading your book.
Hank: Hahaha oh oh yeah.
Girl: It's nice to meet you.
Hank: Yeah

They shake hands and she awkwardly shakes hers off like he had gotten it wet. She says her goodbyes and heads upstairs.

Ex Woman: That's Bill's daughter.
Hank: Uhm. How old?
Ex Woman: 16

END!

OMG WHAT THE FUCK! Shows like THIS are why I want to write. I want to write for a show. I think I'm going to write all of my reviews in screenplay form. Was this screenplay form? Whatever. However I wrote this entry is how I'm writing them. Because I like spread out conversations. Without quotes. It's easier for the eyes. ANYWAY.

Mondays.
Showtime.
10:30pm

THE REAL WORLD! SYDNEY !

I LOVE MY DVR !!
I didn't know there was already a new Real World season coming on. I don't remember watching the last one end? The last one had Jenn and Tyrie and shit right? Hmm. But whatever. Here's my review.


Cohutta. I love this guy. As long as he stays away from bigotry we'll be cool. I'm giggling over his accent. Every time he speaks, think of me. I know it's lame of me to pre judge him thinking he's racist simply because of his state but ... sue me. His flip n dip hair do makes me smile as well. Oh and make sure you pernounce his name right. It's Cohutta. Nut Cutter Cahutta but Cohutta.


Dunbar. I wonder if this guy went to the school with those cheerleaders. Good show. Good show. Uhm. Dunbar likes the drama because he came on THE REAL WORLD with Julie [his girlfriend] from back home. Boo Dunbar. Boo. I say Boo because this season they've ACTUALLY chosen some hotties to put in the house. Example.


Isaac. This guy. For heavens sake. Let me tell u what he did. He admits to us that he is a Breast man as the cameras zoom in on Shauvon's chest. So while they're at the beach Isaac walks his sweet ass up to Shauvon and does this drill Sargent push up and kisses her???, hops back up and walks away. WTF! Yes. Isaac. Yes. Is this what the young boys are about because I might have to stalk the High Schools. Later when everyone's drunk, Isaac and Shauvon go into the confessional ... go off screen and u hear them making out. She says he's a good kisser and I'm drooling. Dunbar walks into the confessional and Isaac runs back to the seat, while zipping his pants and continues to ramble on about nothing. Dunbar then closes the door and Isaac runs back over to continue where he left off. Yes Isaac. Yes. You can tell by his picture that he's a character. A sex crazed big breasted woman loving looney tune. Faints.


Parisa. I like her. She had an episode about being picked on after 9/11 and then called her mom when Trisha came in with her blonde hair and D&G shades talking about an asian who couldn't speak english so she couldn't get her Ice Cream. She's very mature. She made up her mind in the beginning that she wasn't going to deal with KellyAnne and Trisha. She also had like 17 fights within the first hour of the show. She just knows what she wants and doesn't wanna get naked in the hot tub and drunk everynight so "why should she be here?"



KellyAnne. This is the girl who said Parisa shouldn't be there. This is also the girl who got drunk, got into her bikini and jumped in the hot tub with tipsy? Dubar. The one who has a girlfriend named Julie back home. This is the girl who whispered sweet nothings into the ear of a boy who has pounded in our skulls ... Julie Julie Julie Julie ... Backhome Backhome Backhome Backhome. But no. Hey KellyAnne. It'd TOTALLY fuckin suck if Dunbar like had a girlfriend back like home huh. Uhh guess I don't like her.



Shauvon. She's cute with her hips and boobs. Her big shoes and tight pants. Cute Bikini's, matching belts and purses. C'mon. Ya'll knew I would like her with my superficial ways. But before you frown, this new idol of mine writes a sex column for Sacramento State Unversity's newspaper and has a degree [is majoring] in Journalism. She's cute.


Trisha. I don't like her because she's one of those girls who thinks that just because she's got blonde hair with dark streaks and a raspy voice that she's intimidating with her knuckle duster. Fuck that. I also don't like people who want to put you on their time schedule. Trisha took the initiative to clean the kitchen because SHE can't stand waking up to a nasty one. So when Parisa came downstairs she said she would've cleaned it. So they ARGUED over the fact that Trisha needs the Kitchen clean at all times and the fact that Parisa would've cleaned it. So once that was said 14 times each they escalated to name calling and totally amazing comments like someone needs to buy u a personality. Yeeeah.

So uhm.
MTV
Wednesdays at 10pm.

Churros

I went to Disneyland maybe two years ago and had some of the best fucking churros of my life. Churros. I had never had any interest in them.

I'm lying.
This entry just became so much more then it was intended to be.

I like Cinnamon.
I do.

Except Pop Tart cinnamon flavor. No. But okay. I use to love those air crisp things at Taco Bell. Just a hint of airy sweetness. And then I always liked the churro but it was never a thing. I also like Spiced Apples. WHAT !!! Sometimes I'll buy KidsCuisine JUST because of the spiced apples. & this is how good im doing on my diet ... I went to Denny's with Jen last night and ordered a sandwich. The cute old man asked me if I wanted Regular Fries or Seasoned Fries. I told him neither but he listed off every side item in there. He said Spiced Apples and I cried a little bit. I passed though. Whooo!

So anyway ... Back to the Churro. Lisa Christa and I ventured to practically every fucking Churro cart in the land of Disney. Mmm. I think I even passed on riding Space Moutain for the third time because the Churro stand was closing and I had to have another one. I would've punched babies for those things. & I almost wanted to bully the 12 year old girl buying $20 worth into giving me her sack. But I didn't. I never thought I'd have a better taste in my mouth.

UNTIL FUCKING BAJA FRESH.

Okay. Not only do they give you a sweet delicious succulent glistening cinnamony covered braided to perfection churro in a box ... they give you two. Neatly placed in the Box. How Nice Of Baja Fresh.

They were crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. I seriously had to pull over on the side of the road to investigate what the fuck was happening on the inside of my mouth. I poked at it a bit and said but its firm, so how does it ooze? Have you ever seen Simply Irresistable with Buffy The Vampire Slayer and some sexy seductive man? How when he'd eat the crab puffs, his eyes would roll around and he'd come on street corners and in elevators! THAT'S how I felt about those FUCKING Churros from Baja Fresh.

Get One. Now. I wanna make sure I'm going up in jean size for a good cause.

Is Scott Baio Sexy?

I'm slowly but surely getting caught up with my DVR which means I finally got a chance to see the premiere of Scott Baio is 45 ... and single.

Whisper.Whisper.Whisper.
Point.Point.Point.
What A Fucking Loser.
45 and Single.
What the fuck's wrong with him?

I'm so glad VH-1 dug deep enough to make one another cough, to let us know that Scott Baio has commitment issues and a small penis. Or maybe had a small penis? I don't remember which one it was but I do know that his small penis was gettin him all kinds of blonde bimbo pussy so that shouldn't have even made the show. Or was that for our benefit? So we could like ... laugh while we sit on the couch with a pint and a bathrobe? Oh, he also likes to ride horses, hang out with Johnny and give Hollywood answers like, I can shit nickels if you'd like.

I really adored the show because of Scott. He's comedy. Straight up with it and about it. However, i'm hesitant to add it to my recording list because of the concept. Here we have this man who prefers to simply have some fun and because that's not normal at 45 ... let's make a show about it. Let's give him a Life Coach and tell him that he has to change 45 years of experiences because the proper thing to do at this age is to get married. So she's having him dwell on his past and take trips to meet up with these girls so they can remind him that he's a loser and let him know how he failed.

Uhm. Testing. Testing. Is this Mic on? MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT. You cannot ASK a woman what a MAN did wrong. Or vice versa. I'm so sick of these Life Coachs and Congressmen and Bitches up the street who continue to give humans this guideline. This is how you act if you want to be normal. Who and What the fuck is normal.

Women say: He didn't give me enough attention. He wouldn't hold me enough. He wanted to be with his friends. He wouldn't take out the trash. He wouldn't do the dishes. He looked at that girls legs at the mall. He didn't notice the cm I removed from my hair. He didn't tell me my blue contacts were sexier than my brown ones. I've had these new heels for 20 seconds and he didn't mention them. He wouldn't buy me the hello kitty planner I've had my eye on. He doesn't take me out everyday. He won't talk to me for 18 hours on the phone. He'd rather play video games. He complains about going to Linens and Things with me. E fuckin TC.

Men say: She talks too much and doesn't fuck enough.

Boom. & there it is. Sure ... every once and awhile you're gonna get you're pussy man who bows down and starts sheding tears and all that Macarena bullshit but I say ... Let the men be men and Girls shut the fuck up. Seriously. Don't u have a boyfriend so someone can call you pretty and make you Orgasm? Shouldn't you keep shopping and gossip with ur friends? I dunno. Maybe I'm just the crazy one. But I HONESTLY believe in all that MANLY MAN. MANS MAN. I'M A MAN Hooplah. MEN are sexy and I'm SO OVER Society trying to change them to be sensitive crying bitches with emotion.

If the entire world is crying and expressing their I'm not getting enough attention hormones, who the FUCK is going to kill the bugs.

I'm not down with that Marriage is the only reason we breathe type of shit. So, even though Scott Baio is still single and deliciously fun at 45 ... He's becoming one of them which makes me believe I'm going to have more interest in the next show I'm about to watch.

Rock of Love.
Ooo, it seems more my speed.

The Real Reason I'm Losing Weight.

Screw losing it to get laid by dream boys.
I just wanna be able to wear cute t-shirts while I gyrate to 2pac.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME

I GET TO SEE THIS MOVIE TODAY AND I AM SO EXCITED !!!!!

THE LAST SCARY MOVIE I SAW WAS "HALLOWEEN" AND THAT WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO. BUT LINDSAY LOHAN IS MY GIRL [AS I'M SURE WE'VE ALL COME TO UNDERSTAND] AND I SHALL BE COUNTING DOWN THE HOURS UNTIL I GET TO BUY MY TICKET AND WATCH HER BE A STRIPPING MURDERING NUT !! I HOPE SHE DOES A LINE OF COKE OFF THE POLE OR OFF SOME MAN'S SHOULDER BLADE. MMM.

YES !!

VIVA LA LOHAN !!!!

My First Broadcasted Tshirt Idea.

This Picture.

Caption:
The cost to bail yourself out of jail. $25,000.00

The asking price to take your picture. $30,000.00

Vagina&Nipple Slips.Shoping.Rehab. DUI's&Coke. Lindsay Lohan.

Loving her and every fucking minute of it. Priceless

[On The Back:]
Everybody has a weakness, and mine is LINDSAY LOHAN.

& simply because I was feeling silly.

WRITING FRENZY

I JUST EXPERIENCED SO MANY MINDLESS THINGS AND NOW MY SILLYSIDE IS ALL FIRED UP.

- Perez Hilton is awkward. I try my hardest not to hate people but I feel like everyone is making it easier. Spencer Pratt. Lala. Jenbot from BB8 and Perez Hilton are all frequent climbers on my hate list. Perez Hilton thinks he's some kind of celebrity now so he flashed his ball sack for TMZ. How delicious. THEN he's heard screaming in the background of all the stalker cameras on the set of Britney's new video.

Britney! Perez Hilton loves you. I'm here baby. I'm toxic.

"... I'm toxic?"
See. Don't bullshit me America. You fucking love her.

* * * *

- THE COREY SHOW CAME ON AND I FUCKING MISSED IT BECAUSE I'M HIGH ALL THE TIME, FORGET EVERYTHING AND NO ONE ELSE CARES SO I WASN'T REMINDED.

Whatever scene they have on TMZ is very amusing though. That's right Feldman. You get all up in his face for calling your woman A FUCKING BITCH.

So many Beeps and violence ensued.
I will, be watching this show.

* * * *


-

This woman is off her FUCKING rocker.
I cannot get enough of her.
Susan Powter. Google her.

* * * *

- DID YOU KNOW THAT QUIZNO'S AMAZING CHICKEN CAESER FLATBREAD SALADS ARE 923 MOTHERFUCKING CALORIES.

Someone must've missed the meeting when it was announced that Salad's are supposed to be the Go To food for losing weight. Dieting. Staying healthy. Remember?

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EAT WHEN YOU FUCKED UP FOR 23 YEARS AND FINALLY REALIZE FAT IS NOT SEXY HEALTHY OR FUN!?!?!?!?!

I swear nothing is healthy anymore. I ate too much of the wrong thing. Now I don't eat enough so I'm still doing it wrong. Sources say that FAT is where it's AT in 2028. Maybe I should just fucking WAIT IT OUT !!!!

* * * *

- IT'S MONSOON SEASON. THE TREE'S ARE BLOWING. THE SKY IS DARK & IT'S NOT STUFFED TURKEY WEATHER. FUCKIN RIGHT DOGGY !! <-- Yeah. I haven't heard that in three years either. Sounded appropriate.

* * * *

- BRITNEY SPEARS IS AWESOME !

* * * *

- TIME TO GET FUCKIN DRUNK!

DEAR ANNOYING VOICEMAIL WOMAN

FUCK.YOU.

How much were you paid to be the annoying voice on everyones phone? SERIOUSLY. Actually. I really shouldn't hate on you. You're only the default. Excuse me while I re direct this note.

Dear people who don't take the voicemail woman OFF of their phones.
FUCK.YOU.

The message I was GOING to leave is not important enough to sit on the phone listening to all the options BUT the one I'm lookin for.

Why can't the phone beep?
Just Beep.

People who deserve to use phones know what the beep means.
Ring. Ring. No Answer. Beep.

Sincerely.

Yay.

Welcome Becks!
It's time to order Jerseys.

I wonder if any of the LA GALAXY players are like, WTF I've been here for years and no one knew soccer existed.

Hahahaha.

AHHHHHHHHHH !

AND JUST WHERE THE FUCK DO I GET THIS FROM !?!?

FUCK THE WEAK

Every single night from 8pm until midnight, I listen to The Big O and Dukes show. [if ur not listening, LISTEN. Monday-Friday 8pm-12am. 1015 FreeFm.] They recently talked about The Opie and Anthony show being suspended from the air for 30 days due to a statement made in regards to a Homeless man or something.

I tried to read up on it but [of course] they couldn't tell us what was said. The people it offended the first time would probably take a shot gun to the mouth. I'm really interested in knowing though. I find it amusing how there's ALWAYS someone, somewhere waiting to call someone out on a statement that made them shed a bitch tear. GET OVER YOURSELVES!

I read an article on [People Against Censorship.com] which states that XMRADIO cleary gives their customers a warning when they're browsing the satellite radio stations. XL repeatedly flashes across the screen to let you know you're about to tune in to some raunchy nonsense. If you can't handle this type of humor, then the channel needs to be changed. It's not like XMRADIO is a free service and you're just taking a morning stroll and happen to hear I made that pussy so wet last night while you're crossing the street. You have to PAY to enjoy that sort of entertainment. Who's complaining?

That's like me going to Hustler Hollywood and being appalled that they don't sell Barney and milk by the Gallon. I was pissed off many many moons ago when Howard Stern left my morning routine to disappear into EXPLICIT RADIO. However, I realized that Howard Stern is a ball of Controversy and he NEEDS to be in another realm because he's too good for the simpletons he's left behind. So how can we then follow the people who left normal I have this on in the background while I pick my kids up from school radio and still complain about the content that leaves their mouth.

I'd like to share a little secret with you. I forgot to bring all of my props but if you're imagination is as badass as mine, you'll be fine. Ah hemn. Ladies and Gentlemen, when you purchase a new television or you buy a new car or get a new radio or walkman or Zune or whatever, there's this little button on each called a switch. It's really exciting. Here's how it works. You push the button that's labeled "on" and then there's life in this new purchase of yours. Oh, it gets better. Once your new toy is turned on, you have the option to watch or listen to whatever's on or [here's the best part] TURN THE FUCKING CHANNEL. I think ... yeah, yeah. I think everyone is capable of this. Oh hey, my channel's on TLC where for the next 17 hours the only thing on here will be Babies and Weddings. No thank, I've changed the channel.

However, I'm feeling as if this is the wrong way to handle the situation. If my understanding is correct, I should sit in my living room making sure my eyebrows are at a constant inward slant. I should not turn the channel but in fact watch the entire 17 hours of Birth and weddings [due to the lack of condom that one night in Tahiti] so I can take notes and email the President. Does bush know internet? eh. Write him a letter. I want to make sure he catches all of my key points on why Baby and Wedding shows should be taken off the air. They're ridiculous and offend me. Why'd I watch the show? What do u mean, why did I watch it. I was at home, bored. What else am I suppose to be doing? Working? Planting shit? Going to the gym? Pssh. That shit's too hard. I'd rather complain.

I've spent some quality time with our first amendment in the handy dandy Constitution and since we follow those rules oh so well, I'd like to, ya know, bring it up real quick and remind ya'll what it says.

"The First Amendment of the United States Constitution protects the right to freedom of religion and freedom of expression from government interference. The most basic component of freedom of expression is the right of freedom of speech. The right to freedom of speech allows individuals to express themselves without interference or constraint by the government. The Supreme Court has also recognized that the government may prohibit some speech that may cause a breach of the peace or cause violence. The right to free speech includes other mediums of expression that communicates a message."

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is an independent United States government agency that regulates communications by radio, television, wire, satellite and cable; its jurisdiction covers all 50 states and U.S. territories. [FCC] If the constitution says PROTECTS THE RIGHT TO FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION FROM GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE then why is there a "independent" US government agency who's sole job is too in fact, MONITOR what the fuck is being said?

I would really like to know if this is where the world is headed. Eventually, we're all going to be permantely hooked up to shock therapy and anytime you make someone else sad or make them feel like they're a pathetic little shit, you get shocked. Seriously. This world is FULL of fucked up misfits who are indeed roaming the streets. You don't have to like us because I can guarentee we're not too breathe taken with the always offended. BUT my little minions, we're here and you're going to have to fuckin deal.

If you're offended easily, use your legs and walk away or your thumb and turn the fucking channel.

[Just in case you wanna check it out.]

IT'S WAY TOO EASY

I'm done. I'm done with these Hollywood bitches. Britney Spears. Lindsay Lohan. Nicole Richie. Paris Hilton. Those bitches. I'm so sick of them. I mean, there are so many other people in Hollywood who don't have problems. I don't understand why we don't spend our time writing entries about Jennifer Garner taking her baby to the park and pushing her on the swing. Everyday. I want even more entries on how many babies Brangelina is adopting. Duh. It takes the focus off the fact that Brad was trailer hoppin during Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Let's talk about Sharon Stone and how old she's getting wearing cute Bikini's. Let's talk about Kelly Clarkson and how she's gaining a little bit of weight. Let's talk more about Lily Allen and how she crys to the camera about her weight issue that shouldn't even exist. Let's talk more about Rachel Bilson and Hayden I cannot fucking act for shit Christianson having lunch together. Let's just take pictures of Adam Brody walking the street. Let's put more video camera's in the faces of the no names shopping on Melrose. Oh Oh Oh. Let's do interviews with Lauren Hastings [the girl lindsay lohan allegedy stole clothes from] so she can get her 15 minutes of fame.

I watched her interview on Buzznet and seriously had my mouth open the entire time. Why should we get to hear about the girl drama that goes on between two people?

"OMG. I totally like your shirt. Where'd you get it?"
"Oh ... giggle giggle ... I don't remember"
"Oh yeah bitch. I'm lindsay lohan. I'm takin it."

Why was this made public? Someone. Anyone. I'll sit back and wait for your answer. Until then, I'll give you mine.

WE ARE INTERESTED.Go ahead and google just how many websites there are dedicated to Hollywood and it's Celebrities. How many entries a day are made based on their every move? OMG. Britney's headed to Millinuem Dance Studio. FOLLOW HER. TAKE HER PICTURE. PUT IT ON THE WEBSITE. and 10 seconds later it's up for everyone who [get this] HATES HER to look at.

Riddle me this. Everytime I go on other websites to check for the stories of the day, I get the urge to read the comments. I'm thinking I'm going to encounter the comments of fans but it's the complete opposite. The only people on these websites are HATERS and I don't understand why they're still around. It proves my point about America to a T.

We love to complain.
Complain.Complain.Complain.Bitch.Bitch.Bitch.Whine.Whine.Whine.

I hate all these Hollywood bitches but I'm going to spend every other hour at work or at home RESEARCHING and LOGGING ONTO websites like PerezHilton, X17online and TheSuperficial. Why? I'm bored. Who goes to work to work anymore. I'm reading Perez Hilton on my breaks KNOWING who the stories are going to be about. I only go to read about Reese Witherspoon though because she's pure and has no skeletons. I just always have to see Britney.Lindsay.Nicole&Paris.

There's something on the side of your screen called a scroll bar. It's really awesome. It lets you scroll past certain things on a screen that you don't want to see.

I asked my sister and her bestfriend random questions tonight. I went in and asked them if they had heard about Lindsay or what the news on Britney was today. They both kinda just stared at me. Why would we know that ashlie? The only time I know anything about Hollywood is when I research it. Whoa. You mean, there's a way to avoid the Hollywood scene? No. That'd be just too good to be true wouldn't it. Oh but wait, I'm actually interested.

The Majority of America spends eight plus hours on a time clock in a building they're completely miserable at. Most of these people have children at home. So now there's money leaving the paycheck for kid expenses. Now there's the mortgage or rent money, water bill, electric bill, car note, groceries, cable bills, BILLS BILLS BILLS. So now we're frustrated and we take a quick trip down the street to the Liquor Barn. I've had a rough day eddie. gimmie a case. Daily. You're an alcoholic but it's cool because you deserve it. You've worked hard all day and just wanna drink your sorrows away.

&amp;amp; here you sit. On the computer, with your sixth beer in tow, going to websites specifically made for the chaos that is Hollywood. But now you're mad. You're drunk and you're pissed off that Britney Spears left the house without panties and happened to get a low Photographer. You're pissed that Britney Spears has SO MUCH MONEY but has so many problems. I think there was a song a few years back called uhm ... Mo Money Mo Problems ... maybe though. I'm not really sure. So here we have this mother of two boys, with a douchebag ex husband, family members who are jumping on the society bandwagon and friends who give her secrets and stories to the who, THE PUBLIC because someone out there, wants to know that Britney Spears walked into a bathroom with no shoes on. Sober. Someone out there wants to know that Britney Spears is only 25 and drinks everynight. The same thing you're doing right the fuck now.

We're mad. Here are these silly little girls with all the money in the world, going through the EXACT SAME PROBLEMS us normal Americans have but because they have money and we don't, we're gonna hate. I went through that exact same shit last year and I didn't have the media on my back about it, having people signing petitions for me, calling up Governors to get pardon's from Jail. WHY SHOULD ANYONE ELSE HAVE THAT PRIVLEGE. IT'S NOT FAIR. Waaa. Waaa.

With all the HATRED that spews from our countries lips, why do you think these girls are still everywhere? When Britney did her 15 minute concerts in California, Vegas and Florida ... Sold Out. When Paris wanted a petition, I do believe she got quite a hefty amount of signatures. When Nicole Richie drove down the wrong side of the freeway due to Vicodin and Pot, she took her mug shot and headed home. & When Lindsay Lohan puts her face on ANYTHING, sales skyrocket.

Dooney&amp;Burke, who the fuck were THEY until Lindsay showed up on their campaign. You know how many Scottsdale 16 year olds walk around with that shit now. Pa lease.

I'd love to get some comments though. I mean, maybe i'm missing something that everyone else is seeing. I'd love both of these questions answered if u get the time away from E! and Perez to answer them.

1. If these girls are hated so much. If they need to die. If they need to be sent to prison and raped and hopefully killed, Why do you still go to the websites to read about them?
2. Why are you involved? Who cares if Britney's wearing cowboy hats and ripped fishnets. Who cares if we haven't seen clear pictures of Jayden yet. Who cares that Paris is reading the Bible trying to get HER mind right for Prison, who cares that Nicole Richie text messaged Lauren Hastings sticking up for her friend in a girl to girl bitch fight. & who cares if Lindsay Lohan does Cocaine. I've been tellin ya'll she's NOT a little girl role model.
The ONLY time anyone needs to be pissed off about what someone ELSE is doing is if it affects them. All this DUI business, be mad. I get that. They're endangering other people. But what they do in their freetime, who they fuck, where they fuck and the substances they take are NOT our business and it baffles me how much TIME we spend on these people we hate.
When will we start to realize that our every action is a choice and not to complain when we've made the wrong one.

Big Brother Season 8

I dunno who had their creative cap on down there at CBS but he [or she] needs to meet me in the alley so we can make some bad choices.

This [big brother after dark] show is marvelous. Nosey. Big Brother. Spies. It's uncensored too so you know I'm all in.

I became a fan of Big Brother in season ... shit. I don't remember the number. It had Jase ... The Four Cowboys. Yeah. That season. I was like, what is this show with all the bodies. Hooked.

When the show use to end I'd be curious. Well what the fuck are they doing now. They're in this secluded house playing games for cash prizes but what happens once the cameras are no longer around and the games are wrapped up. How pissed is Kaysar right now. I wonder how many times Janelle combs her hair. What book might James be reading? It was always a mystery.

UNTIL NOW !!

Because everyone else has such a busy frustrating life and I don't, I like to watch people shave in mirrors so instead of wasting your time watching, you can just read about it. Hah! It's three hours of nothing. I'm totally fascinated. The very first show was kinda like, are they serious. are people really going to watch this for three hours every fucking day? I mean do. But it's not the entire three hours. Maybe two hours fourty five minutes? Who knows.

I probably drool over it because I'm a people watcher. I'm that freak in the corner with her starbucks pretending to be indulged in the conversation over here when I'm really concentrating on yours over there. I love listening to people. It's the most fun I have sober. Listening. It's a real good time. People should try it sometime.

I love figuring out the different types of mass mental types we have. The insecure one. The funny one. The annoying one. The pretty one. The dumb one. Etc. Everyone has a role and they play it so well. It's exciting to be the outsider looking in.

We've got 14 people living in one house.
My mother and I never call people by their names because it's foolish. So we've gone ahead and nicknamed everybody.

Amber - ???
Carol - Black/White
Daniele - Skeletora
Dick - Evil Dick
Dustin - Nose Picker
Eric - Geek
Jameka - Hips
Jen - UghBlahVomit
Jessica - Savannah
Joe - The Gay
Kail - Mrs. Robinson
Mike - Slink
Nick - Football
Zach - Head

I can't remember what we called Amber but it doesn't matter because she'll be getting kicked out soon. Hopefully. I can't stand her mouth.

Black/White is so cute. She's like this young insecure [kinda] teddy bear lookin girl. Not fat or anything, just cute cheeks. Brown hair. Always seems confused and cautious.

Skeletora is the skinniest human I've ever seen and she's a bitch.

Evil Dick is grade A. He reminds me of an uglier Tommy Lee. He's all rock n roll with his black fingernails, red and black spiked but not really hair, chains on his dickies and an open bowling looking shirt covering a wifebeater. He's also skeletora's dad who she hates. So that's kinda awkward but not really cause he doesn't really bother her.

Nose Picker is probably my favorite person in the house right now. He is way too cute for my kind. He dresses up in his athletic gear and shit but always ends up in some ridiculous way too low v-neck. I think he forgets that the cameras are always rolling because he's constantly picking his nose.

Geek is a nerd.

Hips is fun. She tends to get a little tipsy. She's cool people. Funny. The first black person [i've seen] to not act all kinds of crazy and token ghetto on a reality tv show.

UghBlahVomit is one of the most annoying females I've seen on television. and because we are who we are and we do what we do, this bitch is going to be lurking on red carpets for months. Props on her amazing fucking body though. I catch her around midnight 45 everynight doin her exercises. I've convinced myself that I'm going to join her one of these days. She's still a cocky little shit though. Boo.

Savannah is this cute little girl from the farm who hates black/white because back in 10th grade she stole $5. I love a grudge holdin woman.

The Gay is very shady and use to date nose picker. He loves to find out gossip, spread the gossip and then be right in the middle when a confrontation takes place pointing fingers "but you said."

Mrs. Robinson bless her little heart. She's a determined grown ass woman with a successful business that's bringing in the serious dough. But what's another million. You can never have too many. Right Mrs. Robinson.

Slink reminds me of a sexy psychotic. I don't know if it only happens when he blinks or if it's constant but he has this dangerous psychotic look. He also likes to clean and he likes to cook. OMG. He's like a real live Dexter mixed with Monk. Somebody stay on him.

Football is fucking sexy. Damn. You know what. If you don't watch the show, never heard of the show or don't like the show, do me this one favor. Tune into it. I just want you to see who I'm talking about. This greek god of a man. He's like 6'6, a lot of sexy pounds and his muscles are life threatening. It's beautiful. I'm 11 minutes late turning him on because I'm here describing his awesomeness to you. He's an ex pro football player with a grin that makes you want to bake cookies. and not the cheap kind. He's also a big goofball. Don't listen to him. Listen to him. But don't really listen to him. He's on earth for laughs. That's all.

Head is a robot. Sir robot head is how I refer to him in my head. He's ... just kinda ... there. He has this big box head and I feel like he's going to tumble over every time he moves.

Whoo Hoo!
Big Brother Season 8 run down.

CBS
Sunday.Tuesday.Thursday.
7pm.7pm.8pm

Showtime [I dunno 241] evernight from Midnight until three in the morning.

Bobby Trendy ♥

& Paris, I read your interview in people magazine ... you don't have to change for anyone honey ... just change your underwear, don't listen to these people. You're still Paris. You still are the brand name that you are.

Word.

& I THOUGHT PEOPLE HAD DOUBTS

Roxy: ASH....read this book if you have not already. YOU, of all people, would love this. Plenty of celebrity lifestyle, fashion, sex, drugs, drinking, whores, blow jobs, hahaha.

WORD.

THE OH IN OHIO

For the past two years, I've been having this secret affair with The Oh in Ohio. My eyes would wander and become fixated on the movie. I'd approach it. Study it. Flip it over. Read the back. Every time. Two years I did this. I never rented it. Until Saturday.

Paul Rudd. Yeah. He's at the meeting right now signing up to become a member of my realistic cuteness club. I've liked him since clueless. But this movie pushed him over my edge. He's always this.this.this drunken man who's never happy. He plays it so well. Even in clueless. He was the brother we felt sorry for. The man with the "Jeezes. Get obsessed with something else" problems. He's Sexy.

Parker Posey and Paul Rudd have been married for 15 years. She's never had an Orgasm. She's this frigid little bitch who [surprise] works in Advertising. Nobody likes her. She has one silly little friend. Big Boobs. Thinks Pigtails and Short skirts attract the men. Has a high pitched baby voice and bats her eyelashes. Parker Posey starts taking these tantric sex classes and hopes that it'll get her juices flowing so Paul Rudd can fuck her right. It doesn't help. [Liza Minelli is the sex coach. I've never seen this woman except on court TV commercials with a bitch husband talkin about how she beat him. So to see her all wrapped up, saying Liberate your Labia. Value your Vulva. Claim your Clitoris left a big juicy impression of greatness in my eyes.]

It doesn't work. Paul Rudd has disappointed her again. She might as well be reading in their sex scenes. She then goes to a sex store managed by Heather Graham. We're taken on this adventure through the store and she stops at this massive rubber cock. No. It's ridiculous. Heather Graham wouldn't even sell it to her and she's rollergirl. She settled on this little white vibrator and boom. She had an Orgasm.

So Paul comes home drunk one night all ready to tell her he loves her and he's ready to do anything to make her come and she's orgasming so the neighbors can hear. He runs upstairs all freaked out and see's her buried underneath all the covers. She apologizes repeatedly to him as he runs downstairs and moves into the garage.

Paul Rudd is also a teacher at a High School. This is when Mischa Barton comes into play. She's his student. One day he's getting into his car and Mischa comes out of no where and hops in. "Get Down! Someone might see you." She lowers her head into his lap. "Okay. Get up. Someone might see you." He drives away in a frantic hurry and they converse. "I want to make you better." She says. "You're sad. I want to help you." This is when she gets on top of him and removes her shirt. "Fuck Me."

Parkey Posey might as well be eating Ice Cream with her dripping vibrator while she watches Danny Devito's commercial on TV. He's been the local pool guy for 20 years. The next day. Parker is approached by Danny. "Please let me do your pool. You're the only house in this entire neighborhood, that doesn't have a pool installed by me." She looks at him with uninterested eyes through her dark shades as he rambles on about cutting her entire price in half. Her dream pool. Whatever she wants. "Why is this so important to you?" she asks. Turns out Danny's trying to shoot a new commercial because 20 years is a long time and he's fatter and bald. She lets him know for the last time that she's going to pass and she speeds off in her car.

Paul Rudd no longer has nasty facial hair, but sexy facial hair. He's showered and his technically should be mullet is now a slicked back more sophisticated if you will hairstyle. He's in a suit. Not slacks. He begins to teach his students like he cares again. He teaches Mischa [in one of their many sex romps] that while an Orgasm can be obtained through the stimulation of the clit, that there is one main area that gets you puttering like an out of gas 1950's Ford. She jets off to do 15 year old girl things but lets him know that he's got "A Magnificent Cock." He officially separates from Parker, leaving the garage to his own Condo. He spruces it up for Mischa to visit. "Did I do this?" she asks him as she walks in the door. He stares at her. Then the ground. Then at her. He doesn't say anything but smiles. "See. I told you I'd help."

I sorta passed out once Parker Posey and Danny Devito fucked in the pool. It was a badass pool though. He had this amazing like 200 foot slide. He hadn't been on it, in the pool or in his backyard for 16 years. His wife had died. Parker Posey got him into some trunks and ended his drought. Literally. They fucked and got engaged.

Paul Rudd notices Mischa has missed a couple of days in school and happens to run into her at the bookstore. She pops up on the other side, revealing her breats and saying, "I bet you can't catch me." He freaks out, drops his books and chases her over the store. He runs into her dad first. She comes second. "My little Mischa here has been accepted to Harvard. I have you to thank Paul. She wasn't interested in school before you."

Paul and Mischa stop fucking. He gets hammered. Calls Parker Posey and they meet for dinner. They catch up. He asks her for another chance. She says no.

The movie ends.

I FUCKING LOVED IT.

It was written by the people I need to meet and hang out with. These people were not stingy with their words. No matter the filth or vulgarity. It was used. It even made me like Mischa a little bit. She was completely nude and said cunt like eight times.

Rent it.

Cheese.

I ♥ Cami.

I'm Dying

I've missed two days of work and I'm going completely out of my mind. I love my job and really don't want anyone to give me the eye whenever I return.

I say whenever I return, because ...

- I think I have strep
- I've got some sinus infection that's practically DROWNING me
- My Ovary wants to come out.

I'm FUCKED up and PISSED off.
I see the doc at 3:15.
I better get all sorts of pretty colored pills.

Until then.