I feel as if I've just had drunken sex with Californication and it fucked me sober. I had to raise up. Watch the show indian style.
It starts off with an approaching Hank driving a porsche, cigarette in hand. He exits the vehicle taking one last drag before ditching the bud. He walks down the long aisle to get to the front of the church where he approaches Jesus. He begins to have a discussion when a nun comes out of a room asking to be of service.
Hank: I'm having some trouble. I'm a writer ya see but I'm not ... writing.
They discuss suggestions on how to get him over his writers block.
Nun: How about a blow job?
Hank: Excuse me?
Nun: What about a blow job?
Hank: ... uhhh ... from you?
Nun: It's not going to suck itself Hank.
Hank: HA.HA.HA. No.No it's not but by a Nun?
She removes her ... hood?
Hank: But a very fucking hot nun.
She reveals her hair to the world like she's in an Aussie commercial, unzips his pants and takes the escalator down. Cut scene, it's a dream and the nun turns out to be the woman sucking his cock to wake him up. All of a sudden you hear a car approach, keys jingle and a door slam.
Hank: .... uhhh
Nun/One Night Stand: That's my husband.
Hank: and that's my cue to go.
He jumps out of the bed showing off his ass cheeks, finds his underwear and escapes out of the back onto the beach. He makes it to his car when husband approaches with a baseball bat.
Husband: Oh come on. Aren't you like 60?
Hank: Haha. Hey K Fed. The little man in the boat [makes a V with his fingers] He's right here [points to imaginary clit and licks it.] HOT DAVID DUCHOVNY.
Hank shows K Fed where the clit is because the Nun was complaining about how her husband spends 45 minutes under the hood not starting anything. Hah. He then speeds off into the Malibu sunrise to greet his daughter and ex woman in the street with no pants on. It's papa's day to hang out with the little one so he takes her home where she requests to watch Pirates of the Caribbean because Johnny Depp is so hot. Hah. She then returns to the living room where she informs her father of a naked woman in his bed.
Hank: What are you doing here?
Nude Woman: I'm so sorry. I wanted to surprise you.
Hank: Yeeah. I uhm ... I think we shouldn't see each other for awhile.
Nude Woman: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
Hank: Or not. either way. I'm easy.
I LOVE THIS FUCKING SHOW.
Cut to Hank walking the streets. He stumbles across his book in the window and goes inside. He starts to read when he notices a girl in the corner giggling while reading his book. He nonchantly approaches her and gives her a taste of his wit. She fires back. They giggle and flirt for a minute, cut to the bedroom, breasts flying everywhere. She's riding him blind when she all of a sudden makes a fist and punches him in the face. She orgasms. She rides harder, faster, fist, punch, orgasm, grabs her shit and leaves. What.
Cut to Hank and his ex woman in the principals office at their daughters school. He's drunk and reeks of vagina as he listens to the principal bring up his daughters sexuality.
Hank: What. We're talking about her sexuality? All right honey. Our daughters a lesbian. Up high.
Principal: Sir. She's not a lesbian
Hank: Then why the fuck are we talking about her sexuality?
Principal: We caught her making out with a boy and he was feeling her up.
Hank: Feeling her up? She's 12. There's nothing to feel. Nothing there.
Principal: She said, if I don't do this ... How will I get boys to like me?
Cut to Hank in his business meeting getting chewed the fuck out. He apparently owes his publisher a book but cannot write. So instead of being depressed, he locks eyes with a daisy in the corner. Cut scene to the bedroom, breasts flying everywhere. She bucks up and he flinches.
Woman: What's wrong?
Hank: Ah hahaha. I'm sorry. Just thought you were going to hit me.
The woman jumps up and positions herself doggy style.
Woman: Defile Me.
Hank: Right on.
But before he can beat her down he gets a phone call.
Hank: Shit. I'll be right there.
Woman: What. Where are you going?
Hank: I gotta go.
Woman: You're a fucking asshole.
Hank: Haha yeah but you got defiled.
Cut to Hank picking up his ex woman and driving to a party. Cut to scenes of teenagers naked drunk and high. Ravishing. They spot their daughter as she's about to take a rip. Hank grabs the guy holding the bong and her mom trys pulling her away. While the daughter resists, Hank shoves the guy back and picks his daughter up over his shoulder and carries her out. BECAUSE THAT'S NOT GOING TO STAY WITH HER UNTIL SHE'S OUT OF FUCKING COLLEGE. THANKS DAD. WTF.
Cut to Hank dropping them off at their house.
Daughter: I hate you.
Hank: Deserve that.
Ex Woman: Wanna come in?
Hank: Ohh. What about the man of the house?
Ex Woman: He's out of town.
Hank: Sure.
They get comfy in the living room while Hank confesses his love for his ex woman.
Ex Woman: You smell like pussy.
Hank: Why thank you.
Cut to the approaching car and the familiar slam of the door. The camera is focused on Hank so we don't really know why he's FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, jumping up and recoiling in horror. The camera pans and the giggling girl he picked up from the bookstore was standing in front of him.
Ex Woman: What's wrong?
Hank: Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Ex Woman: Do you ... do you know each other?
Hank: No.
Girl: You kind of look familiar.
Hank: No.No. No I don't.
Girl: Yes you do
Hank: No
Girl: You're that author. I've been ... reading your book.
Hank: Hahaha oh oh yeah.
Girl: It's nice to meet you.
Hank: Yeah
They shake hands and she awkwardly shakes hers off like he had gotten it wet. She says her goodbyes and heads upstairs.
Ex Woman: That's Bill's daughter.
Hank: Uhm. How old?
Ex Woman: 16
END!
OMG WHAT THE FUCK! Shows like THIS are why I want to write. I want to write for a show. I think I'm going to write all of my reviews in screenplay form. Was this screenplay form? Whatever. However I wrote this entry is how I'm writing them. Because I like spread out conversations. Without quotes. It's easier for the eyes. ANYWAY.
Mondays.
Showtime.
10:30pm
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