THE OH IN OHIO

For the past two years, I've been having this secret affair with The Oh in Ohio. My eyes would wander and become fixated on the movie. I'd approach it. Study it. Flip it over. Read the back. Every time. Two years I did this. I never rented it. Until Saturday.

Paul Rudd. Yeah. He's at the meeting right now signing up to become a member of my realistic cuteness club. I've liked him since clueless. But this movie pushed him over my edge. He's always this.this.this drunken man who's never happy. He plays it so well. Even in clueless. He was the brother we felt sorry for. The man with the "Jeezes. Get obsessed with something else" problems. He's Sexy.

Parker Posey and Paul Rudd have been married for 15 years. She's never had an Orgasm. She's this frigid little bitch who [surprise] works in Advertising. Nobody likes her. She has one silly little friend. Big Boobs. Thinks Pigtails and Short skirts attract the men. Has a high pitched baby voice and bats her eyelashes. Parker Posey starts taking these tantric sex classes and hopes that it'll get her juices flowing so Paul Rudd can fuck her right. It doesn't help. [Liza Minelli is the sex coach. I've never seen this woman except on court TV commercials with a bitch husband talkin about how she beat him. So to see her all wrapped up, saying Liberate your Labia. Value your Vulva. Claim your Clitoris left a big juicy impression of greatness in my eyes.]

It doesn't work. Paul Rudd has disappointed her again. She might as well be reading in their sex scenes. She then goes to a sex store managed by Heather Graham. We're taken on this adventure through the store and she stops at this massive rubber cock. No. It's ridiculous. Heather Graham wouldn't even sell it to her and she's rollergirl. She settled on this little white vibrator and boom. She had an Orgasm.

So Paul comes home drunk one night all ready to tell her he loves her and he's ready to do anything to make her come and she's orgasming so the neighbors can hear. He runs upstairs all freaked out and see's her buried underneath all the covers. She apologizes repeatedly to him as he runs downstairs and moves into the garage.

Paul Rudd is also a teacher at a High School. This is when Mischa Barton comes into play. She's his student. One day he's getting into his car and Mischa comes out of no where and hops in. "Get Down! Someone might see you." She lowers her head into his lap. "Okay. Get up. Someone might see you." He drives away in a frantic hurry and they converse. "I want to make you better." She says. "You're sad. I want to help you." This is when she gets on top of him and removes her shirt. "Fuck Me."

Parkey Posey might as well be eating Ice Cream with her dripping vibrator while she watches Danny Devito's commercial on TV. He's been the local pool guy for 20 years. The next day. Parker is approached by Danny. "Please let me do your pool. You're the only house in this entire neighborhood, that doesn't have a pool installed by me." She looks at him with uninterested eyes through her dark shades as he rambles on about cutting her entire price in half. Her dream pool. Whatever she wants. "Why is this so important to you?" she asks. Turns out Danny's trying to shoot a new commercial because 20 years is a long time and he's fatter and bald. She lets him know for the last time that she's going to pass and she speeds off in her car.

Paul Rudd no longer has nasty facial hair, but sexy facial hair. He's showered and his technically should be mullet is now a slicked back more sophisticated if you will hairstyle. He's in a suit. Not slacks. He begins to teach his students like he cares again. He teaches Mischa [in one of their many sex romps] that while an Orgasm can be obtained through the stimulation of the clit, that there is one main area that gets you puttering like an out of gas 1950's Ford. She jets off to do 15 year old girl things but lets him know that he's got "A Magnificent Cock." He officially separates from Parker, leaving the garage to his own Condo. He spruces it up for Mischa to visit. "Did I do this?" she asks him as she walks in the door. He stares at her. Then the ground. Then at her. He doesn't say anything but smiles. "See. I told you I'd help."

I sorta passed out once Parker Posey and Danny Devito fucked in the pool. It was a badass pool though. He had this amazing like 200 foot slide. He hadn't been on it, in the pool or in his backyard for 16 years. His wife had died. Parker Posey got him into some trunks and ended his drought. Literally. They fucked and got engaged.

Paul Rudd notices Mischa has missed a couple of days in school and happens to run into her at the bookstore. She pops up on the other side, revealing her breats and saying, "I bet you can't catch me." He freaks out, drops his books and chases her over the store. He runs into her dad first. She comes second. "My little Mischa here has been accepted to Harvard. I have you to thank Paul. She wasn't interested in school before you."

Paul and Mischa stop fucking. He gets hammered. Calls Parker Posey and they meet for dinner. They catch up. He asks her for another chance. She says no.

The movie ends.

I FUCKING LOVED IT.

It was written by the people I need to meet and hang out with. These people were not stingy with their words. No matter the filth or vulgarity. It was used. It even made me like Mischa a little bit. She was completely nude and said cunt like eight times.

Rent it.