The Most Ridiculous Rant Ever

I'm lost.
In my life right now.
Completely and Utterly lost.

I didn't even notice it until maybe a few days ago. I would convince myself that I actually liked smoking and going home everyday. I mean, I do. It's just. I dunno. Marijuana makes you ...

I'm so anti social it's not even funny. I kinda cried via text to Kyle today about how much I've changed. In just a year. I hang out with NO ONE from a year ago. Everyone in my life is new. I keep in touch with Kyle of course but it's mostly through text. I dunno. I have all these ideas in my head of the shit I wanna do and who I wanna do it with, but it never happens. I'm not interested. I'm not interested in anything anyone has to say anymore.

I think I might have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Don't you love people who diagnose themselves. I don't know if it's the weed or just something that was supposed to happen but I'm angry.

I'm angry at the world.
& it's shitty because I've concerned myself with all the big stuff that I can't even concentrate on my own life anymore. It's like, I hear all these stories, watch all these tv shows and my guard is SO HIGH UP from everyone in the world that I'm kinda just, floating along.

I see people cheating, beating and killing the people they're supposed to be madly in love with. I overhear people gay bashing and nearly vomit. I watch all my friends melt and sink away into puddles of nothing the second they find a man. I watch them run back to me and expect me to be there once it's over.

I don't seem to understand the definition of friendship anymore so I think I've sub consciously removed myself.

I feel like people are expecting too much. and too much would be anything at all. When I like a person, it's because I notice how they act before I know them. I choose my friends before I meet them. It's weird. I know. But I'll approach or try and become friends with people once I've like, known them via environment. I like you for you and cannot stand when they try and change to please me, or please someone else.

Right now.
Today.
MY definition of a friend.

Someone who is there to listen to your problems. Nothing else.

Maybe it's just me and I'm the only one with the bogus friends but I feel like, I'm miserable because everyone around me is miserable.

It's not okay that I like to smoke and write. Or how dare I say I went to Blockbuster over the weekend instead of saying I was at four clubs Saturday night and stayed up until 8am vomiting. It's not okay that I'd rather spend the week writing on the 18 journals I have online instead of going to a house party or movie every fucking day. How dare I look at someone and not say a word the entire time they're telling a story. What's wrong? Are you okay? Why are you mad? I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TALKING. I'm a listener. I'M LISTENING. uh huh. oh yeah. haha. seriously. wow. goodness. It's a waste of a breathe. Why am I mumbling words that mean nothing just to remind you that I'm listening to what you're saying? Maybe I'm just not a good conversationalist. I wait until you're finished. I'm not always inserting words to let you know I'm still there. I am though. JUST FUCKING TALK !!!!

I feel like people are expecting me to respond to them a certain way. How can you have relationships with people when you're holding them to hidden expectations? Oh. I thought you were going to be more excited. Seriously? Someone told me that Larry Flynt was coming to Hustler this past Saturday to sign autographs. I love Hustler and I've always wanted to have a sit down with Larry. So I told her that I was excited and couldn't wait. That wasn't good enough. What's wrong? "What do you mean?" Well. I mean. I thought you'd be more excited. "I am excited." Doesn't seem like it.

So basically I'm not excited because I'm not skipping, clapping and squealing. I'm telling you that I am.

WHY DOES SHIT LIKE THAT PISS ME OFF?

Everyone's FUCKED UP because of everybody else. What is he going to think of me. What is she going to think of me. I gave up on that a long time ago. But now it's coming back with this, ok u are who u are regardless so we're going to challenge that.

I feel like everyone is challenging me. Everyone. Why Why Why. Now Now Now. Weird Weird Weird. Lame Lame Lame. Wrong Wrong Wrong.

I step back from situations. I remove myself. Just because you're a club hopper and I'm not, doesn't mean I'm no longer friends with you it just means we're going to have to hang out when you're down for PJ's, Coffee and a movie rental. On a rainy day. Oooh, how nice does THAT sound. [Please rain on Saturday.] I don't try and change you. I don't pressure you to smoke weed. I don't pressure you to rent movies. I don't pressure you to FUCKING RELAX so why are you pressuring me?

It's like, once you hear something so often you question it. You're Lame. You're weird. Oh C'mon. Do this. I'm starting to question myself and actually wonder if I really am lame.

Do I think too much? Do I like to think too much? I write a lot. Nobody else writes. I should cut back on writing. But I love to do it. Go to the party. She just texted you to come over. But you're busy. I can't say no she'll get mad. you're busy. I'm gonna pass. You never fucking hang out withi me anymore. Now she's mad. A. Come over. I'm tired. Fuck you then. Wanna go see a movie. No, I was just gonna go home. Whatever. If you're mad at me you could just tell me. I'm not mad at you. You never hang out with me anymore. Blah Blah Blah.

And I say blah blah blah but i don't mean it. It's not like I don't like these people and don't ever want to see them again in my life, but right now there's something going on.

I'm Trippin.

I don't like to be around anyone because I feel like everyone is miserable. I can be miserable by myself. So why should I want/have to spend my days comforting other people who chose left when I chose right? We started out the same, but when this situation arose you chose the wrong decision but I'm supposed to have to listen to everything I TOLD YOU would wind up happening.

Eww.

There are some days when I'm like ... I wouldn't mind going to the movies with someone I haven't seen in a month. I don't want that to be an issue though. Oh. So NOW you wanna call me. I can hang up. I guess it's not up to me though. I'm not expecting everyone to understand that I'm a reserved person. I can only hope that the people I choose to become friends with, understand and don't mind it.

I haven't seen Kyle in three months but we hung out two days ago. Nothing was awkward, odd or different. Kyle and I are completely and one hundred percent solid. So that's not even a question. But everyone else around me, it's like they need too much.

Come to the bathroom.
Eat with me.
Walk with me.
Come over here with me.
Move this with me.
I fucked up and need a life coach I call a friend.

If you want an ear, I'll give you one.
If you want a shoulder, you can have it.
If you want praise, go somewhere else.
If you're insecure and pull yourself down so I can bring you back up, it won't happen.
If you continue to fuck up and expect me to continue to give you advice, you get the fuck you face.

I don't know why FRIENDSHIPS are so hard.
Friendships are the things you have with people you love.
Because they are who they are.
& now everyone is FUCKING THAT UP because everyone has too many demands and expectations.

Boo.